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AUTO -BIOGRAPHY 

OF 

SAM SIMPLE, 

GIVING AN ACCOUNT OF THE ADMINISTRATION OF 

THE AFFAIRS OF THE SlMPLE FAMILY FROM THE 

YEAR 1829 TO 1837, BY HIS AUNT 

DEBORAH CRABSTICK, 

TOGETHER "WITH A HISTORY OF SOME NEW AND IMPORTANT 

EXPERIMENTS 

IN GOVERNMENT NEVER BEFORE TRIED; EEING A ME- 
THOD OF REDUCING IT TO A "SIMPLE MACHINE," 
WITH AN ACCOUNT OF THE SUCCESS WHICH 
ATTENDED THIS NOTABLE AND PATRIOTIC 
UNDERTAKING. 



& political SUfegors* 



When folly rules and passion triumphs too, 
Let satire scourge what reason can't subdue. 



•ID- 



BOSTON: 
O. BREWER, PRINTER, 14 CONGRESS STREET, 

1837. 



Copy-fight Secured. 



\ 



Es 



AUTO-BIOGRAPHY 

OF 

SAM SIMPLE, 

EXEMPLIFYING THE 

CHARACTER AND HISTORY 

OF HIS AUNT 

DEBORAH CRABSTICK. 



My father was possessed of a large estate which 
he had acquired by hard labor. To establish his ti- 
tle he had incurred a heavy debt: but the prudent 
management of my mother had put things in such a 
train that the debt was rapidly diminishing and a 
family of twenty-four children were looking forward 
to days of happiness and prosperity. Our dairy v. as 
of the first order; and the old brindled cow, famil- 
iarly known by the name of Grant Brindle, in token 
of her usefulness, poured forth the nutritious streams 



of the healthy aliment which she yielded us in such 
abundance, that the supply was more than sufficient 
for the demand of our thriving family; and she and 
her progeny had become celebrated for their good 
qualities among our neighbors. In short, plenty 
smiled upon us from all quarters, and my father, who 
was a little too fond of his ease, ceased to trouble 
himself about our affairs, but committed the man- 
agement of them to his worthy spouse, not doubting 
that under her care all would come out well. But we 
were doomed to disappointment, for at this period 
my mother suddenly died and left us to the mercy of 
a kind but negligent parent, whose very virtues ren- 
dered him an easy prey to the ambitious and design- 
ing. Nor were we long left in doubt into whose 
hands our destinies had fallen; for one who had been 
a sort of hanger-on in the family, aspired to, anil 
soon acquired the absolute control of all our affairs; 
this was none other than Jiunt Deborah Crubstick 
Avhose character I will not attempt to describe, but 
leave the reader to form his own opinion of it from 
this narrative. Yet there is one trait in it, which I 
cannot entirely pass over without noticing, as it is 
so interwoven with, and runs through the whole of 
her history, of which it forms so distinguishing a 
feature, that the reader may as well be made^ ac- 
quainted with it at once; and when it is known it wiU 



5 

serve to explain a great many things which other- 
wise would seem inexplicable; what I allude to is, 
an unyielding obstinacy which never corrected an 
error or acknowledged a fault, however apparent. — 
She had such a lofty sense of her own infallibility, 
that any impeachment of it, even by implication, was 
a crime and misdemeanor never to be forgiven, and 
perseverance in any measure even when palpably 
wrong, was mistaken by her for decision and ener- 
gy, and considered one of the brightest points in her 
character. 

How she came to succeed to the station which 
had been so well fdled by my mother it is not now 
necessary to enquire; we all used to impute it to 
the easy carelessness of my father, and some of the 
older boys were not backward in predicting the most 
unhappy consequences from the rule of our new gov- 
erness, whose character was not unknown to us. — 
Dick in particular was not backward in reading the 
signs of the times, nor was he very scrupulous as to 
the manner of expressing his opinion in regard to 
them. He was a fellow that would not quail before 
all the old maids in the universe. 

Aunt Deborah Crabstick had no sooner become 
installed as manager of the household, than she be- 
gan to show her teeth. She took a female oath to 
correct the abuses of her predecessor, which she af- 



6 

firmed were numerous and must be reformed. She 
meant to " ask for nothing but what was right and 
submit to nothing that was wrong," but she forgot 
or perhaps she did not know, that this question of right 
and wrong is the very thing that mankind have been 
quarreling about ever since the deluge; and that in all 
the wars and fightings which have taken place, both 
parties have ever claimed to be in the right. But 
as Aunt Deborah Crabstick was never mistaken, it 
was easy to see how the line of right and wrong 
would be run where she was a party. Nor was she 
slack in performing what she set herself about, and 
as she knew my father's weakness, she began by 
complaining to him that the children were not well 
fed, although we were lusty boys of our age and 
could flog any of our size within our reach; but 
she insisted we had been abused, and she must take 
our case in hand,' and correct the evil. She next 
said our food had not been properly prepared, and 
without any more ado, she began to overturn the 
kitchen establishment, turning out the old faithful 
servants and putting in new ones to suit her own 
taste. As she wanted tools as well as cooks she fil- 
led that department with hungry dependants without 
regard to qualifications for their ostensible duties, 
although they usually had some acquaintance with 
the science of gammoning, could twirl the head case, 



and dance round the hickory pole, when the wand 
of the stern enchantress summoned them to the task. 
As she boasted of being of Irish extraction she took 
especial care to have some of the Hibernian breed 
about her culinary regiment. For this was in truth 
her life guard, and it has earned its own immortali- 
ty — a fame which envy will never touch. 

Reformers seldom stop at the point they first aim 
at, and so it turned out with Aunt Deborah Crab- 
stick; for she had scarcely revolutionized the kitch- 
en, and got that under her own control before she 
undertook to reform the edibles; which at first she 
had only thought bad, but now from her continual 
habit of fault-finding she had pursuaded herself was 
absolutely intolerable: moreover Grant Brindle, the 
prolific granary of our establishment, had unwitting- 
ly given her offence, and that was a transgression 
always followed by condemnation, and man nor beast 
never provoked her wrath in vain. Her rule in ethics 
was to "reward her friends and punish her ene- 
mies, "fas cad nefas — who can withstand the intoler- 
ance of an old crone. 

It chanced that our faithful foster mother Grant 
Brindle happened one day to cross the patli of Aunt 
Deborah Crabstick, and more in sorrow than in an- 
ger, perhaps at the remembrance of her former mis- 
tress, rolled up her bio; blue eye at her ladyship, 



8 

which inoffensive act was interpreted "you are a 
hag" by the conscience stricken matron. This 
sealed the fate of the quadruped, and Aunt Debo- 
rah promptly declared her to be a pernicious and 
dangerous animal, that we should be poisoned with 
her milk or gored to death by her ferocity, our safe- 
ty was the mantle with which she veiled her malign- 
ity, and she forthwith determined to "take the re- 
sponsibility" of having her driven from the pre- 
cincts, notwithstanding the clamors of the whole fam- 

ily. 

Aunt Deborah never did, like an animal whose 
name forms a part of her patronymic, go backwards: 
and all our reasoning; with her was in vain. When 
told we could not live without the nutriment which 
Grant Brindle supplied us with, she replied she 
would give us better food, and that if we would send 
her off, she would procure a large number of goats, 
whose milk was richer and far better, and that in- 
stead of Brindle 's insipid water gruel and johnny 
cakes, we should have pure cream and cream bis- 
cuits for our breakfast. She averred that Grant 
Brindle was actually diseased and if she was not 
disposed of, we should be diseased too; and that it 
was for our sakes alone, that she wished to 
make the exchange, for it was now known that a 
cow is a very dangerous animal, and she could not 



suffer one to remain with us any longer, more espec- 
ially as she had found out a substitute which 
would prevent any inconvenience, and answer all 
the purposes for which kine had been introduced 
much better. That goats were noble creatures, 
perfectly harmless and just fitted to our wants, and 
that at all events she was determined to try the Ex- 
periment. 

Dick fought valiantly againt this innovation. — 
Grant Brindle he contended had been twenty years 
in the family, and had proved useful to us. That the 
symptoms of disease were more apparent in those 
who had conjured up such crack-brained notions, 
than in the selected subject of them; that all the ac- 
cusations were false and the proposed remedies pre- 
posterous and delusive, as time would show; and 
that the only danger to be apprehended, was from 
stupid experiments, directed by an obstinacy which 
never heeded the light of experience. As to the 
cream and the biscuits, he did not believe such pro- 
mises would be fulfilled. The cream, if there was 
any, would be monopolized in the kitchen, and the 
biscuit would never get out of the oven: and he had 
no wish to change his present fare for goat skim and 
hominy dumplings. But the more he reasoned, the 
more Aunt Deborah raved, till at last in a tit of des- 
paration she seized the animal by the horns, and vi 



10 

et armis pitched her into the highway. 

Sure enough we had plenty of goats to supply the 
place of Grant Brindle, and Dick's prophecy was 
more than half fulfilled, the kitchen folks got all the 
cream, but the boys had plenty of the skim, and what 
was lacking in quality was made up in quantity, ei- 
ther by natural or artificial means. The new ali- 
ment had a wonderful effect upon the boys, for al- 
though they lost their healthy hue and rubicund 
countenance, it puffed and swelled them up as if 
their skins had been inflated with gas, which made 
them look to a careless eye as if they were in good 
case, but it was all shadfow without substance — puff 
without consistency — symptoms more of disease 
than. health. Dick endeavored to remonstrate with 
my father upon this state of things, and urged him 
to rouse ud and check the evils that were coming 
so thick upon us; but Aunt' Deborah Crabstick, de- 
clared that we looked so plump and hale that our ap- 
pearance gave the lie to all his declarations. She 
averred that we were nevermore prosperous, and that 
if we would only let her manage the affairs in her own 
way, all would be right; and that the great trouble 
was, she was continually opposed in all her contem- 
plated improvements, which was the chief cause of 
all our difficulties, if indeed, any existed. 

She made these assertions so often, that they ac- 



11 

quired by repetition the weight of truth, with those 
at least who are not very nice in their discrimina- 
tions between assertion and argument. They had 
worn such a channel in the minds of some, that 
Dick's logic could not avail much. Aunt Deborah 
thought by this kind of artifice to bring every body 
into her views. This was her fort, and she practised 
it too successfully with my good natured parent. 
When any thing went wrong, she was sure to lay 
the blame upon some of us. If the dinner was 
spoiled or the crockery broken, she was always ready 
to shield the cooks from blame at the expense of some 
other member of the family, and the more glaring 
was the fact of their culpability, the more boisterous 
she would be in asserting their innocence. 

Aunt Deborah Crabstick had her troubles as well 
as the rest of us; for her temperament was such, that 
she was happy only when the elements of strife were 
in motion. She liked a troubled sea better than a 
quiet lake — a thunder-cloud and a whirlwind better 
than blue sky and a gentle breeze — and, had she 
ever seen a volcano or witnessed a hurricane, she 
would not have rested easy till earthquakes and tor- 
nadoes had become acclimated among us. 

As it was, her imagination made up what was 
wanting in reality, and what she did not see with her 
eyes open, she would discover when they were shut. 



12 

It was in one of these magnetized visions that she 
thought she saw our old friend Grant Brindle array- 
ed in all the frightful imagery of a demon. With fie- 
ry tongue and burning eyeballs, griffin claws and 
a dragon's tail, with which she fetched Aunt Deborah 
such a wipe, as she imagined, that she thinks she 
feels it to this day, and boasts of the wounds she re- 
ceived in the conflict with the monster. This was one 
of her greatest exploits. Poor Grant Brindle little 
thought of the harm her image was working in the 
brain of her renowned enemy; but somehow or oth- 
er Aunt Deborah fancied, and the character of the 
beast was confirmed by this dreamy incident, that 
Brindle was trying to get her place and wanted to 
rule the family and my father too. It was a laugh- 
able conceit, that the harmless quadruped was as- 
piring to such a state. But when the idea had once 
got inside of Aunt Deborah's caput, there was no 
process in mental surgery that could extract it. She 
therefore sent out some of her kitchen troops to 
hunt up Brindle, with strict charge to kick and cuff 
her with all their might and main; and she ordered 
the boys to pelt the animal wherever they found 
her, with all the filth they could lay their hands on. 
But they generally preferred to let her do her own 
business with her own tools. 

The manner in which Grant Brindle had been ex- 



13 

pellcd excited our indignation. Aunt Deborah Crab- 
stick had clearly exceeded her authority. It was 
an event which we thought ought not to be permit- 
ted to pass unnoticed, and some of the boys, more 
mischievous than the rest, had determined upon the 
modus operandi. At the entrance of our enclosure 
stood two majestic stone posts, like the pillars of 
Hercules at the mouth of the Mediteranean, or Ja- 
chin and Boaz in Solomon's temple. They had for- 
merly served to protect us from violence, being the 
abutments of a rampart that shielded us from law- 
less force, but had lately become useless as they 
were undermined and tottering. On one of these 
it was resolved to place a memento of the act we 
deplored and condemned. At a proper elevation, 
one more agile than the rest, ascended and drew a 
representation of the act, not forgetting the peculiar 
features of Aunt Deborah, who was drawn in such 
a striking manner, both as to attitude and action, 
that the subject was easily understood without an in- 
terpreter. Nothing is so cutting as truth, when it 
comes in an unwelcome dress. The deed was hard- 
ly done before the news of it flew to Aunt Deborah, 
for none could mistake its design and application, 
and raised a storm that seemed to threaten us with 
dissolution. The kitchen was in an uproar, not 

merely to punish the aggressor, but to efface the hi- 

2 



14 

eroglyphic record; for although Aunt Deborah had 
gloried in the act itself, she did not like the monu- 
ment which had been erected to its memory, as its 
execution was not in keeping with her taste, and was 
a little too faithful in its delineations of the outrage, 
to inspire any other sentiment than that of disappro- 
bation. In truth it was a bold figure, coarse but 
expressive, and told the whole story at a touch: and 
held the subject of it up to the alternate censure 
and ridicule of all who saw it. Aunt Deborah 
Crabstick did not stop long to deliberate, but prompt- 
ly declared it must be expunged: and the kitch- 
en coterie went to work with soap suds, aqua 
fortis, turpentine, and other approved oil cleansing 
liquids, but the more they rubbed it the plainer it 
became, and the remedies applied had only the ef- 
fect to sink it deeper into the granite tablet. Aunt 
Deborah could only rave and cry out Expunge! Ex- 
punge!! — but the imperturbable block, would not re- 
linquish the impression that had been put upon it; 
but seemed to exult in standing in avowed opposi- 
tion to the Crabstick party. 

Aunt Deborah had almost concluded as a last resort 
to level it with the ground; and would have done 
so had she not feared such an act would have rous- 
ed my father from his lethargy; when a lucky expe- 
dient was hit upon by one of her most uproarious 



15 

servants. It was this: — black lines were to be 
drawn around the offensive article, by way of 
ornament we supposed, that the pillar might be ta- 
ken and deemed not to be defaced; and lest some 
persons hereafter might make the original applica- 
tion, underneath was to be written, to prevent any 
mistake on this point, " This aint Deborah Crabstick." 
The plan was approved of, and immediately consu- 
mated in all its parts. Aunt Deborah's feelings 
were soothed, and the ingenious inventor of this de- 
vice had the immortal honor of carrying it into ex- 
ecution, and of erecting a monument to the fame of 
Aunt Deborah as durable as brass or at least as in- 
destructable as stone. He performed the act with 
much solemnity, and gave the brush used as the in- 
strument of expurgation to Aunt Deborah to be pla- 
ced among the archives of the Crabstick family. — 
She still values it as a treasure which has rescued 
the name from disgrace, not doubting the inscrip- 
tion it recorded will be read by coming generations 
without questioning its veracity: although others 
are of opinion that it will only excite inquiry and 
perpetuate the truth. 

In our neighborhood was a fanciful gentleman na- 
med Francisco, of most facetious manners and po- 
lite carriage, he was always merry, yet never laugh- 
ed; a complete personification of good nature with- 



16 

out those turbulent out-breakings of mirth which 
distinguish merriment from cheerfulness; he was 
continually spinning pirouettes and it is asserted 
that he had spent as many hours of his life in the 
air; that is, in whizzing above the surface of the 
earth, as he had spent on solid terra firma. This 
man had formerly been a great friend to my father, 
and helped him in time of his distresses, and stood by 
him when he was feeble and unable to fight his way 
alone through the world. But reverses had some 
times happened to him, and in some of his disputes 
with others, he had trespassed upon the rights and 
property of my father; but such was the good feel- 
ing between them, that although the latter had 
made out his bill of damages, yet he never pressed 
the payment of it very hard, for to tell the truth my 
father was but a sorry hand at dunning; besides 
Francisco had not been in a condition to pay up, 
and so from the politeness of the one, and the good 
nature of the other, the thing was suffered to lie by 
for a more convenient season. But it happened that 
Aunt Deborah in brushing away the cobwebs in the 
attic story, found the score chalked down against 
Francisco, and immediately set herself about it to 
have the thing squared up, and the score rubbed out, 
for she said she loved to see clean walls. The de- 
mand was made out and presented to our neighbor, 



17 

who as usual received it with a bow. But it would 
not do this time, for the messenger was instructed 
to get something more substantial; however, he put 
him off for a ltttle while, but Aunt Deborah would 
not be easy; and every time she could get sight of 
of him, she so clapper-clawed and belabored him, 
that he was compelled to come to terms, and at last 
he told her if she would send over to him one of her 
kitchen fellows, he would look over the account 
with him and see how it stood, and make arrange- 
ments to settle it, for he said he was glad to get 
rid of the "tarn b-tch," at any rate. 

Aunt Deborah Crabstick sent over her runner 
without delay, and he being a pretty shrewd sort of 
a chap, was determined to keep in with both par- 
ties; so he and Francisco were not long in finding 
out how the account stood, and when they had done 
so, they agreed upon the sum that should be paid in 
full of all claims, which was about ten cents on the 
dollar, and the thing seemed to be coming to an ami- 
cable conclusion: when Aunt Deborah's messenger, 
thinking to magnify his services, hurried home and 
told how he had cheated Francisco, and made him 
agree to pay much more than he owed. This 
made a great deal of sport in the kitchen, and Aunt 
Deborah was so much pleased she could not help tel- 
ling every body of it; and Francisco heard of it also, 

2* 



18 

which somewhat disturbed our polite neighbor, whd 
did not like to be told he had been over-reached in 
the bargain; especially by one who had made great 
professions of being guided by 'honest policy;' which 
by the way is a very ambiguous expression, and the 
man who uses it, should always be suspected, for it more 
frequently means selfishness than patriotism. He said 
that a fellow who could play double in this way was 
one villain, and he'd look into the matter again be- 
fore he paid the account. But Aunt Deborah con- 
tended that "all's fair in politics," and declared 
she would be revenged if the debt was not immedi- 
ately paid; and she wanted my father to supply her 
with money that she might furnish the boys with 
squirt guns to shoot at Francisco every time he 
passed; but he could not gratify her in this, and she 
could do nothing but wag her tongue at him and 
threaten him with vengeance; at last Francisco find- 
ing there was no use in quarreling with such a char- 
acter, made up his mind to settle the claim; but just 
at this moment a new idea had got into Aunt Debo- 
rah's cranium, deep and immoveable, which caused 
no little embarrassment. She had come to the con- 
clusion that nothing possessed any real intrinsic val- 
ue but new laid Eggs ,and she stoutly declared nothing 
else should be allowed in the family. It was an Ex- 
periment which was to bring health and contentment 



9 

to all. Francisco was not prepared for this new dif- 
ficulty, but as he had made up his mind not to quar- 
rel, he stripped all the roosts in his territory and 
paid the whole demand in Eggs — the real sub- 
stantial Crabstick currency, which never changes, 
never depreciates, and is the only article of food 
which ought to be encouraged in well regulated 
families. They were soon transferred to the kitch- 
en, put under double lock and key and were con- 
sidered by Aunt Deborah and her flatterers as the 
principal if not the only treasure in the family. 

The Egg system was not without its inconvenien- 
ces, for eggs were a stapie article in all our little 
dealings with our neighbors. Aunt Deborah's plan 
of hoarding up all that she could procure, derang- 
ed our calculations and took from us one of the prin- 
cipal means of payment. Dick exposed the absur- 
dity of this new experiment and predicted its unhap- 
py consequences. The goat's milk plan had turned 
out pretty much as he said it would, and Aunt Deb- 
orah, who could never carry but one idea in her head 
at a time, was begining to be tired of it; but as she 
never retracted an error or acknowledged a fault, 
she determined to persevere till the Egg system had 
supplanted it; which she as a matter of course, was 
certain it would do, so soon as we all of us began 
to understand the excellency of the material upon 
which in future we were to subsist. 



20 

Dick as usual opposed this Utopian project. He 
contended that however excellent and nutritious eggs 
might be, they never could constitute our sole diet 
for a sufficient quantity could not be procured to 
supply our wants, nor were they always best adapt- 
ted to our convenience or our appetites. That va- 
riety in food, or a mixed diet consisting of healthy 
aliments, was more congenial to our desires as well 
as our health. And as to losses by deterioration, 
there was nothing gained, for if milk was sometimes 
sour, eggs were sometimes rotten; on the whole, it 
was force against nature, a usurpation upon the rights 
of digestion, an encroachment on the privileges that 
belong to man by nature — aristocratic in its charac- 
ter and unjust in its application — the experiment 
would cause trouble and discontent and finally be 
abandoned as impracticable and useless. That the 
best way would be to correct past errors and not 
run into new follies — to abandon experiments and re- 
ly upon experience — we were not wiser than others 
who have gone before us, and our new discover- 
ies turned out to be exploded theories which had had 
their day before our existence; had risen and burst 
like soap bubbles, with every new impostor and rar- 
ified politician whose interests required him to raise 
them. 

Aunt Deborah Crabstick was not to be driven from 



21 

her position by such arguments. Her plan was a good 
one and must be tried — Eggs were a good and sub- 
stantial kind of food. A sufficient quantity could be 
procured for our purposes, because they possessed 
more solid nutriment than any other article; conse- 
quently a smaller amount would be required, and we 
must adapt our appetites to the supply, and not the 
supply to our appetites. 

So far from being aristocratic it was the very op- 
posite of it, for the true democratic principle is, not 
only that "all men are born equal" but that they 
should live and die equal. And with what propri- 
ety can it be said "all men are equal" when one in- 
dividual is puffed up like a balloon and another is as 
gaunt as a haypole. Whereas if all eat the same kind 
of food and consume the same quantity, they would 
all be of the same specific gravity being composed 
of the same amount of alimentary material. And 
their faculties would be the same, as the coporeal ac- 
tion on the mental principle would be alike, conse- 
quently they would be in all respects equal. This is 
the grand desideratum, which all true philanthropists 
and reformers are trying to bring about, and which 
this Experiment will accomplish. And what species 
of food that nature has furnished us with, or injrcn- 
uity devised, is better calculated for equal distribu- 
tion than Eggs. They can be delivered numerically 



22 

without weight or measure, and each can get his 
share without deception. So that equality is the 
basis of the system, and the greedy monopolizers 
will have to bring their stomachs down to the lawful 
standard. And she further said, as all her measures 
had been taken for our good, we ought to leave 
things to her judgment, and submit to her require- 
ments without murmuring. If we would onlygive the 
Experiment full play, we should soon have abundance 
as she meant to establish a number of Egg manu- 
factories that would supply all our wants; in the 
meantime we must be careful not to let our neigh- 
bors get any of our Eggs from us, as that was what 
they were trying to do, but they did not know whom 
they had to deal with. Those who opposed the 
Egg system only wanted to get Grant Brindle back 
again, which was a wicked thing, which they should 
not accomplish so long as her name was Deborah 
Crabstick. This was a theme which soon dethron- 
ed her reason. At the name of Brindle, her hair 
rose erect like a disciplined band of soldiers when 
their arms are brought to a shoulder, her eyes 
flashed with a maniac glare, her limbs shook with 
frenzy, and her eloquence was mute. It was the 
peroration of all her speeches ever since her battle 
with the Monster, over whom she claimed a triumph, 
although her feelings betrayed a belief that she had 



23 

hardly obtained a victory, for a fear seemed to 
haunt her like a shadow, that the animal would one 
day again return to dwell in peace and honor among 
us. 

It is said that an "old Roman" one of the Empe- 
rors, once wished that his people had but one neck, 
that he might strike it off at a blow. And Aunt 
Deborah Crabstick actuated by the same liberal 
views, wished to make our family a "simple ma- 
chine" that by the turning of a crank, all its multi- 
plied operations might be performed in the twinkling 
of an eye and with the precision of a steam engine. 

She of course was to direct this democratic loco- 
motive instrument, and it was the object of her ex- 
periments to bring this labor saving invention into 
operation. She had so organized the elements of 
society among us, that she was in part successful. 
Her party was moved by a turn of the crank, as 
easy as a fly wheel is set in motion by the power of 
steam; and although the power she used was some- 
what different in its mechanical properties, from 
what is commonly applied to inert masses of mat- 
ter, she did not despair of being finally able to sub- 
due the will of her subjects, and move mind with as 
much facility as others did material substances; and 
thus establish a little republic such as the world 
never saw before, whose consolidated power is cen- 



24 

tered in a single chief; who rules by machinery over 
a people whose uniform dimensions are the result 
of the strict principles of equality, introduced and 
maintained by regulating the economy of food; re- 
straining its consumption beyond the lawful standard 
and enforcing it where any deficiency required its 
compulsory aid; thereby suppressing corpulency and 
giving to the lean and haggard their just weight and 
measure. This is the true principle by which all 
men can be made equal, and strange as it may seem 
it has been overlooked by all the sages of other 
times, all the advocates of pure republicanism every 
where, and its discovery seems to have been re- 
served only to give additional splendor to the illus- 
trious name of Crabstick. 

Since we lost Grant Brindle we had been sadly 
perplexed to square our accounts with our neigh- 
bors, for none of them would have anything to do 
with goat's milk, especially after it had been through 
the kitchen process of skimming and dilution. — 
The consequence was that our long scores remain- 
ed unpaid, and now that the Eggs were seized too, we 
had nothing left which we could turn into the ac- 
count. Aunt Deborah was so rigid she would not 
suffer an egg to go towards the old score, but locked 
up all she could lay her hands on. She forgot her 
maxim " to ask for nothing but what was right." 



25 

She had got off from that scent. And now her aim 
was to get all the eggs she could, and prevent any 
body else from getting them right or wrong. Thus 
the question of right was varied with the question of 
policy, and her caprice was the only standard by 
which they both were measured. 

Our old neighbor Johnny Bullion, a sort of hab- 
erdasher by profession had supplied us with jim- 
cracks and such kind of notions, 'till he had got a 
considerable balance against us. He was a jovial 
fellow, a good friend but a tough enemy. He would 
drive a bargain, fight a battle or drink ale with any 
one that came in his way, just as the humor hap- 
pened to take him. Of portly dimensions and lofty 
carriage, he made some pretensions to dignity. — 
Yet he was courteous and affable where his inter- 
est required it, or sociability was to be promoted. — 
He did not trouble his debtors much who kept on 
the right side of him so long as he had his roast 
beef and egg pudding, but the policy of Aunt Deb- 
orah touched him in a tender part, his gastric pro- 
pensities and rendered him restless: yet he did not 
lose altogether his good humor, for his pride was 
mortified to find he had been circumvented in an 
essential article of diet, and he rather preferred to 
conceal his chagrin, than acknowledge the success 

of his opponent. But as eating was a favorite 

3 



26 

amusement with him, he did not like the loss of his 
pudding, it was one of the condiments which had 
become a necessity from habitual use. He strove 
hard to get hold of the eggs, which Aunt Deborah 
clenched tighter than ever,but Bullion swore he would 
have his share, and in the strife we were left with- 
out a single one to subsist upon; and as troubles 
never come singly but in battalions, just in the 
heighth of the contest, when the pressure was most 
onerous, all the Goats took it into their heads to scam- 
per off at once, kicking and plunging, and throwing 
up their heels at us, as if the spirit of evil was dri- 
ving them on to destruction. Thus our chief 
support was taken away from us, and starvation with 
his hollow eyes stood looking in our faces. One of 
Aunt Deborah's Experiments had thus fairly explo- 
ded, and the other was soon to share the same fate: 
for the noise and consternation of all, aroused my 
father from his inactivity, and as the only resource 
he unlocked the depositories of Aunt Deborah, but 
to his mortification and her discomfiture it was found 
the kitchen craft had been feasting upon her treas- 
ures, and much of what had escaped their voracity 
had become rotten and useless, and of the remain- 
der, 'squire Bullion, who was very conscientious 
about keeping his oath, succeeded in grabbing so 
large a lot, that in spite of all opposition he carried 
off the largest share of the ''spoils. " 






35 



so called, in opposition to a standing resolution of 
Congress passed in 1816 and the recently expressed 
will of one of the branches of it. It required the 
land agents of the government to exact Specie in 
payment of public land. And the tendency of this 
measure was to hoard up specie in the West, and 
withdraw it from the Atlantic cities, where the cur- 
rent of trade naturally carried it. Its effect on the 
commercial community was terrible, and involved 
the country in almost universal bankruptcy. The 
public funds, about forty millions, had furnished the 
State Banks with the means of extending their cir- 
culation, which facilitated wild and hazardous spec- 
ulations, importations increased, and a large foreign 
debt principally with Great Britain (page 25)had ac- 
cumulated. The withdrawal of the specie basis of the 
circulating medium to the fastnesses of the West; 
consummated the disasters of this ruinous system of 
mismanagement. Commercial distress and inuividu- 
al embarrassment were so great that in May 1S37 a 
suspension of Specie payments by all the Banks in 
the country took place (page 26) and the golden 
dreams of a metalic currency vanished into thin air 
and left a wreck behind. A sound paper circula- 
tion whose basis was coin, was thus changed, by our 
modern illuminated financiers, into one, whose pre- 
carious value was based only on credit. 

The suspension of specie payments by the Banks 
caused a rise in the value of specie, the effect of 
which was to draw it from the west to the commercial 
cities Exportation for the payment of the foreign 
debt commenced, and our foreign creditors received 
the immediate benefit of our sufferings, (page 26.) 
The Specie Circular thus repealed itself. Congress 
had attempted to do so before their adjournment, but 
at so late a period of the session, that the President 



36 

was not obliged to resort to his legislative trunch- 
eon to defeat the measure. Ten days is the Con- 
stitutional term allotted to the Executive for his de- 
cision on bills presented for his signature. But be- 
fore the time expired, that body had adjourned. — 
And he quietly put their repealing law into his pock- 
et, and left his cherished ''specie circular" in full 
force. Thus in all the prominent measures, which 
have brought about the present embarrassed state 
of the country, the President has acted on his own 
responsibility and in opposition to the wishes of 
Congress. The destruction of the United States 
Bank, the removal of the public deposites, and the 
specie Circular, are purely I Executive measures, and 
as such we have treated them. 

Whether the sequel of the story we have related 
will correspond with historical record remains among 
the hidden things of futurity; but if patriotism be 
permitted to take the place of selfishness and party 
pride, what we have imagined in closing our little 
volume, may yet become a reality. 

It has been said by his partizans, that in his po- 
litical course, General Jackson was actuated by an 
honesty of purpose. But never was honesty more 
dishonest. For it beheld our substance plundered 
without remorse, and looked upon our ruin without 
dismay. It was deaf to the supplications of distress 
and indignant at the voice of remonstrance. It set 
reason and experience at defiance, and mocked at 
the anguish and sufferings of the oppressed. But 
the lion is roused from his lair, and now the causes 
are known and their effects so keenly felt, may we 
not hope that the crisis is indeed past, and that a 
bright day of gladness and prosperity is before us. 



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